Funerals & Unveilings: A Practical Guide for Families

When a loved one passes away, the world can often feel upside-down; sometimes static and sometimes moving too quickly. In these moments, Jewish ritual offers us a framework—a way of walking through the valley of loss step by step, guided by tradition, community, and memory.

As a cantor, I often meet families during this fragile window of time. My role is both practical and pastoral: to assist you in navigating the logistics, to hold space for your grief, and to walk you through the ceremony that honors the life of the beloved person you’ve lost. This guide is intended to be both a lantern and a checklist, helping you feel less alone as you make decisions about funerals, unveilings, and the days in between.

The First 24–72 Hours

In the immediate aftermath of a loss, Jewish tradition provides guidance on the practical steps to take, encouraging prompt burial ideally within a day or two of death. While this isn’t always possible, understanding what to expect can provide some comfort during these challenging hours.

Within 24 hours:

• Contact the funeral home. They will coordinate with the cemetery and begin preparations. If you don’t have a funeral home you’re working with, I can make a referral and connect you to trusted folks near you.

• Notify close family and friends.

• Choose a rabbi or cantor to officiate.

Within 48 hours:

• Meet with clergy in person, by Zoom, or on the phone to share stories about your loved one, which will help shape the service. You are welcome to invite anyone to this call who you think can help shed light on the life of the person we’re honoring, or who may be helping to make decisions after their care.

• Decide on the location of the service (chapel, graveside).

• Consider music, readings, or personal touches for the service.

Within 72 hours:

• Finalize obituary and announcements.

• Confirm details with clergy and the funeral home.

• Allow yourself a moment to breathe. The rituals will hold you.

• As soon as you’re able, begin to think about shiva, the seven-day mourning period that follows burial (except for on Shabbat and holidays, when it is paused and resumed after).

Shiva is not something you need to organize alone, as friends, family, and community often step in to help (and often, this responsibility of holding shiva will be split among the mourners so that no one person has to host all seven days). Traditionally, and no matter where you’re hosting, others will bring food for the shiva, coordinate meals for you during and after to make sure you’re well-taken care of, and help with logistics so you can focus on your own process of grieving. A cantor or rabbi will usually come to your home (or sometimes join by Zoom) to lead a shiva minyan, the prayer gathering that allows mourners to recite Kaddish surrounded by community. The heart of shiva is togetherness: sitting, telling stories, eating, praying, and allowing grief to be witnessed. Leaning on your people during shiva is not a burden—it is an essential part of Jewish mourning, reminding you that you are not alone, and that the period immediately following loss is a period in which others can and should hold you in their embrace.

Decisions Families Make

While the core elements of a funeral—prayers, psalms, memorial words, and burial—are consistent, there is room for personalization. Families often choose:

• Location: Chapel, graveside, or synagogue where you may have a connection.

• Music: Do you want live singing (solo or communal), recorded music, or quiet reflection? I often sing El Malei Rachamim or Oseh Shalom, but families sometimes request a favorite secular song as well.

• Readings: Psalms are traditional, but you might include a poem, letter, or excerpt from your loved one’s writings.

• Speakers: Will family or friends offer eulogies, or will the cantor be the primary voice?

Each decision is an opportunity to shape a service that reflects both the tradition and the person at its center.

Ways to Personalize the Rites

Jewish funerals are simple by design—plain casket, brief service, community gathered. Yet even in simplicity, there is space to honor individuality.

• Objects: Place a beloved tallit across the casket. Bring a favorite book or photograph to the graveside.

• Stories: Share anecdotes that reveal your loved one’s humor, quirks, or passions.

• Music: Ask the cantor to sing a melody your loved one loved—whether a Yiddish lullaby, a Debbie Friedman song, or a Beatles ballad.

• Participation: Invite grandchildren to read a poem, or have friends help shovel earth into the grave, a mitzvah of ultimate kindness.

The Unveiling

An unveiling is the ceremony of dedicating a headstone, usually about a year after the funeral (sometimes sooner, depending on family practice). It is a quieter, more intimate ritual—a chance to gather again and speak aloud the name inscribed in stone.

I often sing softly during unveilings—a nigun (wordless melody) or a familiar prayer. Music brings comfort to these tender gatherings.

Resources for After the Rituals

While the service comes to an end, the journey through grief continues. I encourage families to seek ongoing support:

• Grief groups: Many synagogues and community centers host support groups. Organizations like Jewish Family Service offer counseling and group sessions.

• Books:

  • A Time to Mourn, A Time to Comfort by Ron Wolfson

  • The Jewish Way in Death and Mourning by Maurice Lamm

  • Healing After Loss by Martha Whitmore Hickman

• Personal practices: Lighting a yahrzeit candle, saying Kaddish, creating a memory book or digital archive.

Closing Thoughts

Funerals and unveilings are about presence. They are about pausing to honor a life, linking memory with tradition, and creating space for tears and love.

When I stand with a family at the graveside or by a gravestone, I feel the weight of loss—but also the strength of community, the comfort of ritual, and the resilience of the human spirit.

May these ceremonies bring you solace, structure, and blessing as you honor your loved one’s memory.